ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
