She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
