I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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