can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
