She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I want you more than these girls want KFC
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
