I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
