tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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