You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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