Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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