I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
