if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
