good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is wine microwaveable?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
