Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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