my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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