i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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