oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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