Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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