Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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