I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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