see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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