I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
