Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
