my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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