I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
