I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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