Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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