Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
