My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize