I have demons in me.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
