Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
