remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
