So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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