woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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