and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
