He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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