All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
