My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How external is "for external use only"?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
did you just send me my own nude
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
