wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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