I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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