I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
