I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
