Don't you send me to vm
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need a beard to bite.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
