Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
