I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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