dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
