I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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