i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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