why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
