apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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