Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
