sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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