New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
