Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
