I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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