Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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