I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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