the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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