so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
