she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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