I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize